Weasel Economics 101

Welcome to Weasel Economics 101 Study Courses , the online courses for the wanna-be weasel or the weasel who just needs a little fine tuning in his art.

 

Beginners Course I
 

LESSON 1: The customer is ALWAYS wrong!

EXPLANATION: The customer is always wrong when it doesn't fit your story. If they are complaining about a service you rendered, it is always THEIR fault, not yours. A true weasel does no wrong.

LESSON 2: If you go anywhere on company time, make them pay for it!

EXPLANATION: If you run to the store for a pop on company time, be sure to stop along the way and fill your gas tank up and get a receipt so you can get your cash back! And lets not forget the wear and tear on your tires....stop and get new ones, the company will pay for them!

LESSON 3: Find an interesting chattroom so you won't be bored.

EXPLANATION: Got to do something all day while you sit there trying to look busy. But, be careful not to pick one with a loud background color because it tends to reflect on your forehead and your boss may notice that blue glow!

LESSON 4: If your company has an 800 number, be sure to give it out to your mistresses so they can call on those late nights at the office.

EXPLANATION: If you are going to work late at the office, might as well have some fun doing it! Give out the 800 number to all of those women you chat to and then you can whack-off under your desk. Be sure to have your briefcase handy as a blockade so you don't get caught too easily!

LESSON 5: Always present yourself well, it impresses the customers .

EXPLANATION: Be sure to shop at The All Weasel Store, they can fit you into the proper image for the customer conscious weasel. Be sure to over spend and get your rotten teeth fixed ASAP. We all know how much a weasel likes to smile!

LESSON 6: Be stern and efficient on the phone. 

 EXPLANATION: Customers love it when you are direct and to the point with them. Don’t let them waste YOUR precious time with their petty problems!

LESSON 7: A true weasel can’t get fired, they get a paid vacation!

EXPLANATION: A weasel can’t get fired! Instead they have extended paid vacations and any good weasel attorney will tell you so, AND will be more than willing to help you get the back pay for that vacation that you believe you are so justly due!

LESSON 8: Suck up to employees with seniority, for now anyway, you’re new .

EXPLANATION: A weasel needs future peons! Make alliances now with your gift of bullshitting and it could serve you well when trying to make obedient peons out of them later. Don’t let your weasel pride get the best of you, sucking up is an act of weasel deceit, a useful tool any good weasel should be proud to use!

LESSON 9: A good secretary is hard to find!  

EXPLANATION: A GOOD secretary is a possible conquest! Befriend her and then use your weasel charm to hit on her. If she turns you down, just remind her that you are married and just wanna fool around, no commitments!

LESSON 10: Female customers can be future conquests!  

 EXPLANATION: Flirt with the female customers, this could pay off in the future!
Ready to move on??? Of course you are!

Beginners Course II
 

LESSON 1: Everyone else lies!

EXPLANATION: As I said in the Beginners Course I, “The customer is always wrong!”. Since a weasel never lies, or at least never gets caught doing it, just say everyone else is lying. You know you are right so who cares if they have proof, they must have made it up!

LESSON 2: Convince the owner you are a hard worker.

EXPLANATION: If you get everyone else to do your work for you before the owner gets there, you can assume all of the credit for a job well done! Your elaborate show of work ethics will prove you should be management material.

LESSON 3: Work late when the owner is around, it can pay off!

EXPLANATION: You don’t really do anything all day but sit there trying to look busy, so wait for the owner to stay late and do all your work then. Your deception of loyalty to the company will help secure that management position you think you deserve!

LESSON 4: If other employees see through your smoke screen, make up a wild story about them and how you are doing all of the work.

EXPLANATION: You have come too far to be discovered now! Call for a company meeting to clear the air. Be sure to pay attention to every detail, no matter how unimportant it is and aggravate the situation with more unimportant details. Drag it out for hours. Sooner or later the owner will loose track of your multiple stories and you can suggest that position descriptions are in order.

LESSON 5: Deception bundled with persistence pays off.

EXPLANATION: After hours of arguing and pointless discussion, you have been given the “title” of OFFICE MANAGER! At last, you can have a peon. Be sure to tell her that it just a title and nothing more. Got to keep her happy….for now!

LESSON 6: Now that you are a management weasel, business attire is a must.

EXPLANATION: Again, I will direct you to The ALL Weasel Store for you spiffy business attire needs!

LESSON 7: Now that you run the show around the office, it is OK to trade out labor charges for sexual favors!

EXPLANATION: An explanation isn't really needed here, and if it is you better go to a sexual education class for dummies before studying Weasel Economics any further!

LESSON 8: Since you have reached Weasel Management Status, you must have daily meetings with the peons about proper time management.

EXPLANATION: A Management Weasel shouldn't have to do shit! You now have others (i.e. the peons) to do it for you! Peons include: owners, secretaries, or any other person other than yourself. Be sure to have daily meetings (a minimum of 4 hours) explaining to your peons how they should manage their time more wisely because it is infringing on your chat time. Be sure to refer to your chat time as work!

LESSON 9: Everyone can be a suspect, except you of course!

EXPLANATION: Now that you are management, you must plot to keep it that way!

Ready to move on to the next course? Make your selection below.